Do you ever have those mornings where you’re FEELING THE FEELINGS, but you can’t pinpoint the cause? Like, am I forgetting something? “Alexa, what’s on my calendar today?” Am I happy or am I sad? Did I eat too late or eat something funky last night? The questions roll in your brain as you’re trying to pinpoint what it is you’re even experiencing.
I had one of those mornings today. I finally reach out to my husband because that seems to help me get to somewhat of a conclusion when I am conflicted. He asks me to explain, and the closest thing I can come to, is feeling anxious, yet excited for the unknown. Does this mean I am going in the right direction, or am I mistaking this for subsoncious stress? There’s still a lot of questioning going on here.
My husband and I have been opening our minds to possibilities we haven’t explored before, because, quite frankly when it comes to the big life questions, none of us know the answers. So why do most of us go through the motions acting like we do?
After a few hours went by and more self reflection of recent events in my life, I started to cry and texted my husband again. It wasn’t a bad cry, I described, it was a sense of peace. I had this thought that maybe that rush of feelings I had was a spirit of someone lost not too long ago.
I’m only 26 and have been fortunate enough to not have experienced much loss in my life yet. As my own, and as the families around me grow, the reality of death is getting much closer to home. It’s so hard to think or talk about, but I’m starting to feel like the more we do, maybe the closer we can also come to peace in the little life we do get to share with the ones who are here and have had to say goodbye to. The facts are that it is inevitable and we know almost nothing about it. It is sad, it is scary, and it is somehow also beautful too.
I feel scared to share this reflection. It doesn’t exactly fit my blog’s “brand” or have any answers or even concrete points for that matter, but this little space is becoming something so personal to me already. I want to be open about everything in my life that feels important. I know this is topic is serious and big in all of our lives.
Half of me feels strange to believe that an angel of some aspect is still here, but it also brings me so much hope for my loved ones in their process of grief and lack of understanding when it comes to major tragedy. My favorite mantra is that, “We ARE love.” This resognates tremendously to me and this idea that we are all so much more than our bodies or the narratives we hear constantly in our minds. I’m starting to believe that our souls are truly powerful and what sets us apart from the rest. Our intangible love is so strong, that maybe it expands and survives a lot longer than meets the eye or mind. Maybe our love remains in the wind, or ripples of the water.
Who knows? No one REALLY… the possibilities of life are endless and there is something very magical and hopeful to me in that.